Hello, in this video I analyse a real student essay and show how to restructure it according to the official criteria to get a high band score. This video was made in conjunction with my new partner IELTS9 with whom I will be making more videos and offering my video correction service, so check out their website if you need this service.
Anyway, the essay itself, in terms of grammar and vocabulary, is quite good. The author has spent some years living in English speaking countries, so is proficient. The problem with this essay is that the author has no real idea how to address the question, writes about the topic too generally, and has no clear overall structure. This is what I address in the video.
So have a look, see what you think. Any comments, or questions, you can write to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will copy the text of the essays below. See you next time.
There are many people who go to live in different countries. To what extent should people be allowed to move freely between countries and live where they choose? What are the benefits and drawbacks of this?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Nowadays, traveling is becoming a trend. With the ease of booking cheap and affordable flights, people feel motivated to move around and try living in different countries. I personally traveled to 7 countries and lived in 5 different countries, Jordan, the US, Canada, Egypt, and Malaysia.
Traveling abroad helps us to expand our horizons, make new friends, and learn different cultures. My first trip was to the US to visit my father whom I have not seen for 5 years. My father traveled to the US to make a surgery for his eye. After doing the successful surgery, my father decided to stay as a away to seek better life style. After I lived in the states for 7 years, I moved to Canada with my husband. Living in Canada taught me the importance of being green and motivated me to be more keen toward protecting our environment, the earth. Although we loved Canada as a country and its people, yet it has an expensive life style. Therefore, we decided to move to a country with cheap life style, good health care system and well developed. After doing a research that lasted over 6 months, we decided to fly to Malaysia.
Living in Malaysia opened my eye to a whole new culture and life style. I enjoyed living there and appreciate the easy access to travel around Asia with low-cost. As I traveled around, I saw how some individuals might cause harm to a country and affects its peacefulness. Illegal immigrants and criminals are major concern to each country. Therefore, there should be strict laws and policies to deal with each case as its needed. For those who don’t have jobs, creating job opportunities would help in minimizing thieving and robbery. To avoid criminals from entering a country, each individual should be asked to do a background check up as a way to protect the safety of the country.
In conclusion, individuals should have the right to move freely from one country to another with the consideration of having strict laws and firm policies toward those who might cause danger to others and harm the country and its people. Traveling freely would help the new generation to acknowledge new cultures and different life styles, make new friends, respect differences, and to be more open and understanding toward each other.
Band 9.0 example
There are a number of people who choose to move around the world and live in different countries. I believe that freedom of movement between countries should not be allowed unless based on certain criteria. I also believe that the advantages of limited migration can seen in allowing skilled workers to come to a country, whereas the disadvantages are the changing in demographics in a given nation.
International freedom of movement seems to intuitively be a good thing. However, if this were allowed then millions of people from less well off parts of the world would seek to migrate to the “West”. This would obviously pose many problems for infrastructure, and integration, etc. For example, it would seem sensible then to have some criteria before allowing such freedom, such as a points system for language, skills, family members in the country, as in Australia and Canada.
The advantages of managed immigration then, are that migrants with certain skills such as Drs, IT, and other professionals can fill the “skills gap” in whichever country they move to. This is of significant benefit to the receiving nation and is the reason countries such as Canada and Australia have such a system. However, the downsides of uncontrolled immigration as mentioned above are the very real issues of infrastructural pressure, as in housing and schools. For example, in the UK, it is estimated that a city the size of Liverpool would need to be built every year to accommodate the estimated 300, 000 migrants who move there year on year.
In conclusion, although many people migrate every year, I believe that unmanaged migration without certain safeguards will be detrimental to the host country, however, if properly controlled the movement of skilled people can only benefit the new countries they call home.